Love I Miss You: The Writing Process …

While at the gym, listening to one of my favorite Josh Stone tracks with Common …I started thinking about LOVE. I haven’t been in a relationship built on LOVE for some time. I was thinking that I miss that feeling …the feeling of being in LOVE. Not just the butterflies in my stomach, but also the comfort that comes from being in love. That feeling where you don’t have to be doing anything …maybe just sitting in the same room or different rooms in the same house, but still feeling the energy and connection with no words being expressed and no physical touch.

I thought I want to write a piece that deals with missing LOVE …not a person but the feeling. So, I came home and started writing. I have about 257 words so far written …a real first draft. It doesn’t flow. It doesn’t rhyme. Just some thoughts that will hopefully overtime develop into a POEM!

The piece can be found on my Facebook fanpage in “Discussion.”

Overdue!

First of all, I haven’t updated my blog in ages, so I am way Overdue!

I also have not been doing much personal journaling which is in not in line with my individual goal to journal every day. Journaling is such a great release and also extremely helpful in decision making and analysing your emotions and tracking your personal growth.

Most of my close friends know that I am very big on lists …to-do list, list of goals, grocery lists, wish lists, friends list, places to visit list, music to buy/download lists …the list goes on.

The last few months I feel like I’ve been chasing this goal of having all my lists/tasks/to dos in order and complete. However, it seems that I am consistently …OVERDUE.

I use an application called Toodledo which I love to track my TO DOs. I’m constantly moving little notes here and there to my Toodledo list and each time I turn on my iTouch this RED notification circle indicates that I have X number (53 as of today) OVERDUE tasks. Unfortunately, that doesn’t count the TO DOs that lingering on the back of a notecard and the one in my outlook “notes.”

This feeling of feeling behind looms over me. In the midst of attempting to find my peace, I am internally reminded that this LIFE is not a race and it is not a competition. There is no reward at the end because all your TO DOs were complete. I know this all to well because I had this internal conversation before, but some lessons who have to revisit.

It is cliche, but I am (and you too) exactly where I am suppose to be at this exact time and place. The focus should be on enjoying the journey and not racing to the finish line.

I have a lot more to say …but im Overdue for an appointment.

One last thing, I have this saying I use a lot lately …”I need to get my ducks in a row.”

I’ll continue to monitor my ducks but Im going to stop trying to force them in a row. I hear my small voice on the inside saying …”relax and enjoy, the ducks will line up in the exact position they are suppose to.” …maybe even a circle!

Live Life Track

This track was produced by Humphrey Themen from Amsterdam better known as THEprinceOFbeatz. A few days before the first of the year …he came up with an idea. I was actually in Chicago when I got the email asking if I wanted to be a part of this project!

My response was “of course!”

In between my meetings for the “day” job and trying to see over 60 friends and family in Chicago in one week, I managed to pull together a few words using my GarageBand application. I was actually suppose to do some more work on it and the plan was to go back to work on it after I finished my Harold’s Chicken …but instead I feel asleep on my sister’s couch mid-sentence. I was so tired! …what I sent Humphrey wasn’t quite up to snuff but being the genius that he is …he made it work!

The artist on the track include: Ash-lee (Netherlands), Jalise (Netherlands), Rebekka Ling (Netherlands), DeShar (Netherlands), Leslie Ebony (US) and Spec Boogie (US) and Breklyn from the group HBM on guitar.

To download, more information and links to all the artists, please visit:

http://theprinceofbeatz.bandcamp.com/track/live-life-2011

A Difficult Start: The Year of Judgement

The New Year brought a very difficult start. At one point, I thought to myself …”If this is a preview of how the year is going to be, we can wrap this up now!” The date was 2 January 2011.

I found out someone I love very much and whose opinion means the most to me …viewed me, my life and my accomplishments as a failure and they were completely disappointed in the person I had become. Based on their circumstances and life view, their opinion was justifiable. However, the hurt I felt could not be stilled. It took (is still taking) me time to find my peace. I felt so small, so worthless. I felt like giving up. Thankfully, I have put some time into getting to know who I am and that person stood up in me and told me of my value, my worth, my achievements, my strengths and even my weaknesses …and told me that to give up and live in judgement would be real failure. That still voice inside of me told me to not live in judgement of myself or of the other person. Condemnation is never worthy of celebration.

The situation was a great deal to digest. You hear stories of people whose family and friends disown them for various reasons …because they are gay, because they marry someone from a different ethnic group, because of political or religious differences. You hear about people who never share their “true” selves in fear of rejection and think how horrible. Most people think I would never hide my identity …I would stand proud and not live in shame.

With just a small taste of rejection, I can honestly say …I can understand why living a lie would be better than living in judgement.

Been a While!

What have I been up to … well, …

…9 October – did another exciting labor of love show in Amsterdam; about 150 people; about 2 hours long; 7 pieces; 4 brand new pieces; my mom performed; and had the support of fantastic artists, friends and family

…giving ample attention to the day job!

…performed for a “day” job event which lead to a performance for the Turkish Academic Network 10th Year Anniversary in Rotterdam! An amazing and heart warming event.

…spent Thanksgiving with my bestfriend and her family! which inspired the final cut of a piece im working on for beat by Jermaine Pinas!

…uploaded a new video on youtube from the show in October; video quality as great as I would like, but Im working on getting better!

The Joy is in the Journey

The Joy, originally uploaded by leslieebony.

For those that stay in touch with me via Facebook and Twitter, you already know …I am doing another show. I did my first show EVER last year, 26 September 2009. It had been a dream for some time and the reality was better than the dream!

I was/am very nervous about this next show as I am trying something different. Last time it was a sit down theatre performance. This time it is more of a concert/party with live music but also DJ’d music! Will people like the concept? Will people still leave with the feeling like their hearts have been touched? Will people enjoy the new pieces? Can I rock a concert?

However, I think it is important for me and probably all artist, to continue to move beyond comfort zones and try new things! Being an artist is a risk.

While all the necessary confidence normally shows up when I get up on stage, there is a certain vulnerability that is always there. Sharing and expressing yourself and hoping that people appreciate what you shared! …akin to a first date.

For my first show, I had no idea where to begin. I just held on to the words a friend shared, “you should do a show here.” There was the decision and the how just came together!

So, rather than focusing on whether people will like this show …I am visualizing everyone having a good time and leaving feeling blessed by the share experience!

Bitterzoet!

I performed this past Sunday (13 June 2010) at Bitterzoet’s HH Poetry Jam Night! What an amazing crowd and energy! Just so much love in the room! I felt like I was back at home at a local poetry spot for a second. I had that feeling they sing about in the song for the TV Show Cheers “…sometimes you want to go; where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.” Bitterzoet was my Cheers yesterday!

And note …the MC never had to tell people to “RESPECT THE MIC.” Not one time! Anytime someone came up to the mic, people gave their full attention! I was IMPRESSED!

Big ups to Lucia who came and played percussion for me …she’s small but full of FIRE! She brought the NOISE! She never practiced with me or the band before, but you would never know it! She was HOT!!!

It was a great night!

I always hope for the day when my artistic talents will “pay the bills,” yet if that day never comes …I feel truly blessed for the opportunity to touch hearts and minds …that is the Gift!

Thank you to all who came out and let me unwrap my gift.

Im still here!

I had been thinking that it has been ages since I have posted to my blog! Terrible! The title was meant to just highlight the fact that this blog is still active, but after writing it …it has a double meaning because it is May 2010 and I am also still in Amsterdam. This was not necessarily the plan I had in mind, but the universe appears to have had a different plan. The good news is …I am very pleased with the universe’s decisions thus far!!

Staying longer has been terrific for me …
– I had the opportunity to check off some amazing travel adventures (e.g. Morocco)
– I have made some deeper bonds with current and new friends
– I have collaborated on an amazing track with a hot producer
– I have been asked to write customized pieces for two corporate events
…the list continues, but those are some highlights.

I am not sure how much longer I’m here, but I have this feeling inside that each additional moment is meaningful and has purpose greater than just finishing my day job project.

Thanks for reading my musings!

Musing: Touched by Picasso

I was in Cologne during Easter weekend and visited Museum Ludwig Köln. My friend and I decided to visit the museum on Monday and later read that it was closed on Mondays. Lucky us …it was open for the holiday!

While walking through the museum, I came across a painting titled Musketeer and Cupid by Picasso.

For some reason, the painting really drew me in – I couldn’t walk away. When walking through an art museum, I normally walk by many painting some spending less than seconds before it, but this one captured me. Maybe it was the bright colors. However, it was something more that I can’t quite explain.

I thought I would share some words that came forth as I pondered the painting …

I stand before the work of art, Picasso’s ‘Musketeer and Cupid’ and wonder if he left any secret messages to life for me;

I stand before it at various distances so it can speak to me
Tell me where I’m going to let me know if I’m on the right track;

I retrace the various brush strokes to see what he might be trying to tell me; I search the painting for where he signed his name;

I notice is at the top instead of the bottom, is that a special code for me to crack? I walk away but look back.

I feel compelled by the piece; drawn in by the unspoken message for me; the Cupid smiles at me; at first I think maybe to taunt me because the message is still unclear to me but I look again to see that it is a smile meant to embrace me; welcome me back again …to return again and again to hear the special messages left for me;

maybe it is the beautiful dark yet bright reds, intense, letting me know life has just begun or the yellows bright as the sun to signal a new day ahead; whatever it is I know this painting was drawn for me it speaks to me and I’ll be back to hear it speak again!

Further along in the museum, I notice a quote by Picasso …. Paintings were….”not invented to decorate rooms. It is a weapon for attacking, and defending oneself against the enemy.” I know that the ‘enemy’ comes in many shapes and forms and sometimes I myself am the enemy.

Being at the museum made me want to go art school …to create! Inside I hear myself scream – I am artist! Art speaks to me in ways I can’t explain. And not just visually stimulating it says ‘come participate; come and play with us; we are around the corner gathering waiting to share ideas for creating.’

I will come out to play …one day!

Express Me

A friend of mine (Becky) shared this dialouge with me from the play A Raisin in the Sun and it really spoke to me:

Mama: Baby, why you gotta flip so from one thing to another?

Beneatha: Mama, I don’t flip, I experiment with different forms of expression… people have to express themselves in one way or another.

Mama: What is it you want to express?

Beneatha: ME!!

My new favorite quote: “I’m experimenting with different ways to express myself!”

Thanks Becky!